We all keep hearing the word ‘gaslighting’, but have you ever wondered what it means? We at Hook, exclusively spoke to Psychotherapist Jyoti Das, who gave us insights into what gaslighting is, why women are more prone and what are some ways to know one is getting gaslit.
What is gaslighting?
In an exclusive chat, the psychotherapist explained how gaslighting is abusive behaviour. She said, “Gaslighting is a manipulative practice where the abuser aims to alter the victim’s reality and lived experience. For example, if I break the air conditioner in your home, you complain that it is hot, and I say “what do you mean hot? Are you sure you’re not sick or stressed out? You’ve been getting hot frequently. You should see somebody about this.” This allows me to deflect responsibility for having caused you harm while simultaneously making you question your sanity.”
However, she explained that not all people who are gaslighting do it intending to harm.
Why are women more vulnerable to getting gaslit?
Jyoti explained to us how people lower on the privilege ladder experience more stress abuse. She said, “In a highly segregated and unequal society, anybody falling on the lower ends of the privilege staircase are more likely to experience abuse, are restricted from accessing resources, have basic dignity and human rights challenged, and face overall neglect from social structures.”
She further added, “Given that women have been forced to the lower ends of that staircase for centuries, the performance of the feminine gender became culturally defined by words such as submissive, agreeable and demure. To adhere to this performance, women feel pushed to be more submissive or agreeable, thus leaving them more vulnerable to be manipulated.”
Gaslighting in Indian households
South Asian cultures are largely collectivistic, meaning we prioritise the group over ourselves; think phrases like “log kya kahenge?” To protect a family's reputation, painful truths are denied or altered, creating a hostile environment of abuse.
Gaslighting at work
Even at work, gaslighting affects the people on the lower rung of the administration ladder. Elaborating on this, Das added, “Gaslighting, therefore, is a well-practised tool in corporate environments. Corporate India can be quite a ruthless space to work, thus, bringing up the need for survival, and thereby paving the way for unhealthy learnt behaviour patterns to surface, such as manipulation.”
How to know you are getting gaslit
One must know how to read the signs. Das reveals a few ways to know if you are getting gaslighted. “Is spending time with this person leaving you feeling confused or in distress? You may find yourself apologising or consoling this person after they’ve hurt you. When you bring up something, you feel unheard, and the blame either shifts on you, is denied, or you’re left consoling them for having hurt you. You’re left questioning your feelings, your own motivation and reality.”
Some other signs are getting devalued in a conversatio,n and not being able to understand if a person is treating you well.
She further added, “Not all of us have the privilege or capacity to get away from people who gaslight us. Not everybody who gaslights does it out of malice. In such cases, disengagement, reevaluating the terms of your relationship and most importantly maintaining your emotional safety becomes important.”
