Mankeeping: The emotional work women never signed up for

'Mankeeping' is the new term used to explain something that has been done in silence for generations by women: taking care of the emotional, social and mental aspects of the men in their lives. Though Gen Z might have come up with a cute name, the underlying idea isn't new. Whether it is uplifting a sulky boyfriend, keeping his social commitments organized, or urging him to call his own friends, women have been taking on this unseen responsibility for ages.

Ferrara, a Stanford University fellow and psychologist, coined the term mankeeping. Her studies demonstrate how men find it difficult to engage in emotionally satisfying friendships because society does not support them being vulnerable. This lack of emotional support among men results in women stepping in to fill the gap, without often being thanked or reciprocated.

More than just emotional support

Ferrara explains that mankeeping is not just about being intimate or giving emotional affection. It entails having to manage a man's social presence, getting him to practice self-care, reminding him of birthdays and being peacemaker in uncomfortable family situations. In essence, it's women performing unpaid life management in their dating or domestic life.

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The phrase is inspired by kinkeeping, a sociological term used to describe the traditional role women have playing to keep family members connected, planning gatherings, and keeping extended families on the same page. Mankeeping is a variant but now targeting the male partner and their emotional system.

A Bollywood example: ‘Dil Dhadakne Do’

The Mankeeping phenomenon is succinctly presented in Zoya Akhtar's ‘Dil Dhadakne Do’. Priyanka Chopra stars as Ayesha Mehra, the professional wife of Manav, played by Rahul Bose. Even with her own success, Ayesha is tasked with accommodating her husband's emotional vulnerability, upholding their public facades, and bowing to his family's demands, all without disrupting the status quo. Her emotional labor is legitimized, even idealized, while her own needs are kept low-key.

Ayesha's character embodies the understated exhaustion of mankeeping. She seethes in silence, playing the role of the perfect wife while gradually disassociating from her own desires. It's a harsh observation of how normalized this unseen work has become within so many marriages.

Gen Z is naming it, but are they escaping it?

While Gen Z has named the phenomenon and popularised it on social media sites like TikTok and Instagram, the truth is that plenty of young women are still doing this work only with greater consciousness today. They're naming emotional imbalance, setting boundaries, and challenging default caretaking roles they've inherited. But calling it doesn't mean out of it. For many, mankeeping persists, only now under the spotlight of social media observation.

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Why this conversation is important

Understanding mankeeping as it truly is, a type of emotional labor is the starting point toward having more balanced relationships. When women are always in charge of the emotional burden of a relationship, it turns into one-sided labor that tends to be overlooked and unrewarded.

So, the genuine question is: how many women are still doing it without even noticing and how much longer will it be before they quit?